How to Reduce the Mental, Physical and Emotional Load as a Mother

This article is about the mental, physical and emotional load for mothers because I am one and have seen the impact I have on my family.

It is not about comparing motherhood to fatherhood or no kids, although the tips can be used by others, they are not all exclusive to mums. 

With 5 biological children living with me, a stepdaughter overseas, 5 cultures, 6 languages between them, international championships, jobs, school, my business and everyone’s needs, it can be overwhelming. 

My kids range from 18 to 8 months so their needs vary and it requires significant input from me since the father of my younger 3 and stepdaughter is away most of the time.

Below I share tips I’ve used but remember it won’t always go wonderfully and each stage of parenting makes it different.

The newborn to toddler stage combined with having teens made things feel impossible to get on top of. 

Try to implement one thing at a time that you feel will have the biggest impact onyour family. Then choose another and build on it.

How To Make Everything Easier

One mental shift I made to ease this was to remind myself that done is better than perfect.

This applied to my children, au pairs when I had them and sometimes family from overseas, not to a spouse or partner. My kids/au pair/family were learning and needed grace.

With that in mind, I taught them how I liked things done, the timeframe and why it was that way.

Providing the logical reason behind things made it much easier for my kids and au pairs to learn and they happily did things the way I did.

If everything is getting on top of you because others aren’t pulling their weight, ask yourself:
Am I pushing for things to be done exactly how I want but they are still learning or need more help?
Is there a timeline I expect it in that I have not explained?

Again, this is not at other adults, this is about your kids. Partners/spouses are different.

Would you rather continue having to do it all and get frustrated with others or would you rather they be responsible for themselves and specific tasks?

As for timing, this can be trickier. Things such as garbage need to be removed due to pests it can attract. Some prefer to remove it when it is over the top full, others prefer to do it nightly. 

If you want something done soon, agree on a time and get them to set a reminder. 

For example, if they’re watching something, it needs to be done in the next ad break if it’s quick or at x time. 

With my younger kids, I give time updates e.g. 10 minutes until xyz, 5 minutes, 1 minute etc. This helps them adjust and they generally do whatever I need easily when it is the agreed time.

Note: This doesn’t apply to weaponised incompetence. Please assess for yourself if that is what is going on in your home. Because if it is, no amount of chore lists, compassion, leniency or assistance will change it. And it is a reason many women find it easier to be single.  

How to Reduce the Mental Load

Knowing everything the family needs, when things are happening, what needs to be bought or scheduled or paid for etc is exhausting.

However, there are many ways you can reduce that constant list in your head.

Have A Family Calendar

Will everyone look at it and stop asking you about everything? Not at first, maybe not ever fully but it will help you mentally.

A digital calendar everyone can access makes life much easier. Everyone can see what is happening and when. You can opt for a paper one as well if you like but you need to remember to transfer everything from the digial to physical as well.

The calendar gets all the appointments and events out of your head and somewhere everyone can see them. 

This act alone can help calm some of the internal noise since you know you have it on your phone and written down if you have a paper calendar too.

Get everyone linked up to the family calendar online and train them to check before asking.

Teaching them to check before asking when xyz is or if we have anything on x date, you further reduce interruptions and the mental load.

Also, if it’s not on the calendar, it’s not happening is a rule in many homes.

Do A Brain Dump

Whenever my brain feels overloaded, I do a brain dump to get it all out of my head. 

Then I sort it into urgent, non urgent, important and not important. Things that are urgent and important get done first. 

Generally, the rest can be sorted out. 

When I do this, I notice how many things are floating in my head, taking up space that are unnecessary right now OR could be dealt with quickly.

Get those urgent and important things out of the way then schedule when you can do the rest. 

Schedule Anything You Can

Many things in life can be scheduled and this can be done in one sitting or each time you do it. 

Write a list of all the things you need to schedule such as an annual check-up, 6 monthly dental appointments, beauty salon visits etc. 

Make a time and do all the scheduling for the year if possible. 

You can reschedule if needed as things arise but having it scheduled means it is sorted, you don’t have to think about it any further. 

Eliminating mental load tasks such as when was the last time the kids got their teeth checked is extremely freeing. 

Knowing it is scheduled in and done every 6 months is good for your mental health and great for their teeth.

Automate Anything You Can

Instead of trying to remember to pay bills, automate anything you can.

Arrange with your bank or payroll for savings to be transferred to your high-interest savings account on payday.

Set up a salary sacrifice to take advantage of the tax benefits and plan for your future better without having to do anything.

Go over your bills and see how much they have been for the past year. Then either opt to do a regular transfer to your bill directly or to a bills account to pay when it comes in. Or have direct debits set up and not them on your calendar.

Choose whatever works for you and reassess regularly.

Set a time to review your bills regualarly to ensure you are not overpaying or being charged incorrectly.

Routines

Routines fall slightly under automation since creating routines makes habits and tasks automatic.

I have an ideal morning routine that improves every part of my day when I do it. Even if I only get to do each thing for a couple of minutes. 

My evening routine helps us wind down for the day, sleep better and get up knowing how to tackle the next day. 

These things help reduce my mental load. 

Routines also help kids know what is expected of them and when. 

As they get older, this can help reduce how much you have to remind them to do things and make things faster. 

Encourage them to create their own routines with things so you don’t have to track it.

My older kids developed their own routines, set their alarms, got ready, did skincare and a wind down routine for the evening that did not require me reminding them for any of it.

Delegate

Not everything is your responsibility and if others choose not to fulfil their responsibilities, let them suffer the consequences.

Delegate tasks to other family members where possible and stick to it.

Don’t hover, follow up or swoop in to do it for them. It is their responsibility. 

Teach your kids to do all the household chores so they are capable of everything when they eventually move out. 

It takes time and it might not be done your way but done is better than perfect. 

Fair Play is a great book with a set of cards you can get to help see who does what and assign things specifically within your family.

Socialise and Therapy

I put these two together because sometimes venting to friends or family can help and they might have great solutions. 

Sometimes you need a professional or someone outside your circles to discuss issues with and find solutions.

Both might have great ideas to help you ease the mental load.

If venting to friends and family causes more upset or makes you feel worse, it’s not worth it.

Socialsiing is still important though so do things you enjoy with others.

In the case of therapy, if you struggle with anxiety, depression or anything else, they can help with that because anything along those lines makes the mental, emotional and physical load harder.

How to Reduce the Physical Load

Two ways to reduce the physical load are insourcing and outsourcing.

Insourcing is where you get others within the home to help. See how to get your kids and others in your home to help.

Outsourcing is when you hire outside help to do tasks. See how and what to outsource.

Review everything that needs to be done within your home and life. How can you delegate those tasks either to your family or by hiring someone?

Teach your kids to cook dinner, clean up after themselves and contribute to things around the home because they live there. You are not staff, you are their parent and part of the responsibility of parenting is teaching your kids these things.

Start young by getting them to help you with tasks and teaching them to do anything within their ability. 

Kids are more capable than you think so don’t be afraid to get them to try.

Anything that cannot be shared with others can be outsourced.

Hire a cleaner to do a deep clean or come once a week/fortnight to do bathrooms, floors, windows or similar.

Get a gardener to mow the lawn, trim everything and keep it tidy.

Have meal kits delivered and involve your family in choosing the meals and cooking them.

Arrange for groceries to be delivered instead of going to the grocery store.

Look at all the things you do and how you can make them easier.

How to Reduce the Emotional Load

I put emotional load separate to mental load because more often than not, mothers are the therapists of the family.

Knowing how to self-regulate as well as teaching our kids to regulate their emotions can be difficult, especially if they trigger your core wounds.

Being there for your kids is important. Letting them know you love and support them, doing what you can to help them process their feelings and problems, is part of parenting.

You have limits though, and you need to know when to enlist professional help such as a therapist. 

Getting your kids involved in activities they enjoy, trying new things and having social circles outside of school will help with their emotions too.

With your own emotions, read how to reframe guilt into empowerment (focuses on mum guilt), things that helped with my mental health, these small changes that improved our life. 

Get therapy if needed. Actively be involved in hobbies, ensure you take time for yourself and do those things that fill your cup e.g. self-care such as this. 

Maintain your social life and a life outside the home. When my older kids were little this was easier for me as I lived near my family and friends I had grown up with.

We would visit each others homes, go shopping together, meet at playgrounds and so on. While it was not the diving, hiking, travel level of hobbies I love, it was social and a community.

As my kids got older, I involved them in my some of my favourite hobbies such as hiking to waterfalls and scubadiving.

They loved it and it meant I got to do things I loved more because I didn’t have to arrange childcare.

If it all feels too hard, I strongly encourage you to check out the work of people such as The Abby Eckel.

Final Tips

We are not meant to parent alone but we are parenting in the loneliest, most isolated time. 

If you are a Millennial like me, you are probably trying to reparent yourself while parenting your kids.

Allow yourself mistakes, give yourself some grace and know you are doing the best you can.

Learn from your mistakes and keep an open mind about how you do things and how you can improve.

Build a village or community for yourself even if you don’t have family. My family is spread across Australia and the paternal side for my kids are overseas.

We are over 2,100kms from the nearest major city (Perth to Adelaide, where my sister lives) so building a community here is crucial.

Outsource what you can, teach your kids, join different classes or groups to meet other people and build a village for yourself.

Remember, each stage of parenting is different and has its own challenges as well as things that become easier.

For me, having raised kids to adults and being back at the start with a baby and young kids again, the newborn to 5 is by far the hardest and most demanding.

Other parents find the teen years the hardest yet they also had more freedom.

Motherhood is different for everyone.

It might feel lonely, overwhelming and stressful but hopefully these tips help.

What have you found that helps ease the mental, emotional and physical load of parenting?