At some point in our lives, we are all faced with unmet expectations.
How we react to them and manage our expectations moving forward will strongly impact our lives.
Expectations are part of life and can be both good and bad.
Unmet expectations can be difficult to navigate and sometimes shake our identity.
Here are some tips for managing unmet expectations.
Review Your Expectations
Write a list of your expectations and a list of what actually happened.
If you can, write a list of the other person’s expectations or what happened on the other side for your expectations not to be met.
Often, when we review our own expectations we can see where the frustration lies.
Maybe our expectations were unclear, miscommunicated or misunderstood.
Sometimes we are the ones who misunderstand others expectations resulting in frustration and problems.
Expectations can at times be too high either for us or the person we are expecting things from.
When that happens, it can be a case of one person set expectations and the other person couldn’t meet them but they assumed person 1 would be ok with that and didn’t communicate it properly.
When reviewing your expectations, look at both what went wrong from their side and what you did wrong or could have done better.
Communicate Clearly
Listen to understand and speak so others understand you.
Often we listen to respond, tell our story, defend or dismiss what has been said instead of truly listening, understanding and empathising.
Learn to communicate effectively so you can manage the unmet expectations and reduce the likelihood of them happening in the future.
After reviewing what has happened, see if you can determine what could have been done differently and how that could have been communicated more effectively.
Effective communication takes into account cultures, biases, language, understanding, tone, body language and the meaning of what is being said not just the words you say.
Some resources to help with learning effective communication include:
Revise Your Expectations
This isn’t always doable as some things have to be done a specific way.
If it is possible to revise your expectations around something to match what will actually happen, do it.
Simple things such as how quickly you learn something can become a big thing if you expect to learn it in a week.
By revising your expectations there you can ease the pressure on yourself and likely absorb more so you do learn quicker.
But your expectation has to be revised first.
With other things, you might not be able to revise expectations e.g. how you expect a family member to react to something or how much profit you expect.
In those circumstances, evaluate how you want to respond to what happens and what is actually within your control.
Recognise What You Can Control and Let Go of the Rest
The desire to be right often gets in the way of compromise or moving forward.
Holding onto that resentment hurts you more than anyone else.
Weigh up whether it is worth it to you to continue pushing for your expectations to be met or whether it is better to let it go.
When I had my last 2 babies, I had the expectation I’d be supported throughout my pregnancy but that didn’t happen.
He was studying in another state at first, then working in another state and lived his life accordingly.
After they were born, I expected to heal faster than I did and to have time to exercise, work, do things I needed to do.
However, parenting 4 kids on my own with 2 of them born a year apart, meant that was impossible.
I then expected to get my kids into childcare easily but it proved to be extremely difficult.
I had to let each one of those expectations go, learn to adapt and as I did, my stress levels decreased.
Later, when I got my toddlers into childcare, I was able to exercise, heal, work and do all those things. It took longer than I wanted but it did happen.
What expectations are you holding onto that is causing you stress? How much control do you truly have over the situation?
Control what you can, change what you can and let go of the rest.
*Regarding relationships, if you are in an abusive relationship or suspect you might be, seek help. Make a plan and leave. That’s not unmet expectations as such (although you obviously expected to be treated properly, as we all do in relationships and you do deserve that). Abuse and those type of relationships are not your fault and you need to leave. Your safety matters Your life matters.
Extra Resources
When dealing with hurt, resentment, mental health issues, trauma etc it is highly advisable to seek professional help e.g. a therapist.
Also, read the following articles:
How to let things and people go
How to adapt when life doesn’t go as planned