How I got Full Custody, a 5 Year Protection Order and he has no Access or Rights

This is based on there being abuse in a relationship and it being the children’s best interests for one parent to have full parental responsibility/full custody.

This is not a “how to game the system” guide and is not guaranteed.

I share what was recommended to me, what helped and anything I think is relevant.

Note: if you need money for court, you can start with bank bonuses as they only take a few minutes e.g. $100 from ING for Australians (once you complete a few steps) or $21 instantly from Up (backed by Bendigo Bank).

My Top Tips To Get Full Custody

I have details of my experience at the end of this article if you are interested.

Instead of talking about me to start, here are the tips so you can skim through it easily.

1. Mindset is Everything

Remaining calm, factual, being present for the kids, seeking mental health support as needed and having a visual focus of a great outcome all helped.

If you are hysterical, irrational and all over the place, it isn’t great for you in court.

Yes, emotions are normal; hysteria is not.

When our emotions take control, we can make poor decisions, it is harder to remember things and you need to remember for court.

What I did was have a visual of a happy place to draw on when I needed to calm myself.

Visualising this helped ease me instantly and I was able to calm down and focus.

Alternatively, there are breathing techniques and other grounding techniques you can try.

Being able to remain in control of your emotions is an excellent skill.

One of my visualisations was a place in the Solomon Islands I wanted to take my kids once we were free.

Another was of the final day in court when the judge granted me full custody.

The emotions, smells, what I was wearing, everything was included. On the day, it happened almost exactly as I had pictured.

Find a visual that you can picture in your mind to help calm you down and collect your thoughts.

Try visualisation and meditation techniques on YouTube to get you started.

2. Have Support

I was fortunate to have a supportive family and parents who had some finances available I could borrow.

Being able to ring and vent to them made it easier for me to be a calm mum and deal with what we were going through.

My sister dropped everything and flew from another state one night when I was not coping.

Not everyone has that level of support from their family but there are support networks.

Charities have support workers to help you in court and with paperwork before court.

I also had a private psychologist I started seeing to prepare me for court, have somewhere safe to vent to and also to help with parenting and understanding autism.

Know that if you do this, anything you say can be subpoenaed for court.

In fact, my ex tried to have my records subpoenaed from when I was leaving him and going through extreme trauma.

My psychologist refused on the grounds it would be detrimental to me to have that read out in court, sent a letter outlining some details and the court agreed with him.

Do what is best for you, your health and mental health but know the facts too.

Join a support network, get professional support, and create a community.

3. Have Evidence

I have written about 5 tips to win in court previously and included the importance of evidence.

Write down everything, including the time, date, location, what happened, all relevant details as if you were writing a report for the police.

Get witnesses where possible, especially credible ones such as the teachers.

Report things to the relevant departments, have teachers and other people in positions of power who are involved write reports.

For example, there were things that happened at school that our teachers reported to child protection which helped my case.

They did it because they are mandatory reporters, not because I asked them to.

Do everything via email to ensure you have a paper trail and if you have to do phone calls with your ex or anyone involved, request they be recorded then at the start of the recording say “This phone call is being recorded” to show they agreed.

Do not fabricate evidence or embellish things.

Numerous people involved with my case commented on the fact my records corresponded perfectly with evidence from police, schools, child protection etc.

Having my own proof and the ability to show exact dates, recorded phone calls, text messages etc all added to my credibility.

A Note On Child Protection: They do have to investigate everything when reports are made. This is where my case never should have dragged out as it did. The finding of child protection was the kids should be with me. Don’t fear child protection, they are there to ensure the kids are safe and can help support you in some ways too. They don’t want to remove your kids, they want to keep families together where possible.

In our case, they spoke to the kids at school without me knowing, visited my house and concluded they were articulate, intelligent, compassionate, well taken care of and all manner of good things.

4. Dress To Impress

Again, I wrote about this in the previous article. How you appear matters.

Dress in blue where possible because it subconsciously indicates trust.

Corporate or business attire is preferred, along with neat hair, nails and makeup.

I look like a lawyer when I go to court and this has helped significantly and been commented on by others.

It shouldn’t matter but it does play a role in how you get treated, how you are viewed and what happens.

They say the law treats everyone equally but judges, lawyers etc are still people and we all microjudge based on appearance without even realising.

If you want the law on your side, do the right thing, have your evidence and dress the part.

Charities offer help with this if you go in and ask or look for ones such as Dress For Success who specialise in it.

Alternatively, borrow from friends or family if necessary and do your best to dress accordingly.

It doesn’t have to be brand name or the latest fashion.

Look at legal shows to get inspiration for conservative dressing to help you achieve the right look.

For men, a suit or at least suit pants, shirt and tie with business shoes works.

Women can dress in pantsuits, dresses or skirts that are at least knee length or below the knee.

Be sure it fits well, so it isn’t pulling or making you uncomfortable too.

We all know how uncomfortable clothing can affect your mindset and confidence.

5. Be Willing to Compromise

There are a few things in my court orders I didn’t want but they aren’t awful and have never been enforced.

If we move or change schools, I am required to give notice and if we travel I am required to give him the details.

When this was first ordered, it made me extremely uncomfortable.

However, by being willing to compromise, it increased my chances of getting full custody.

Also, my barrister pointed out that legally, with the travel it did not say when I had to provide the details so technically, I could do so from the plane as we are leaving.

At some point, he requested he be able to send gifts and cards etc too (even though he never had up to that point).

They added a condition he be allowed to do that, on the condition I can check to deem it appropriate or not.

So I was required to provide a postal address for that. My sister offered hers which he already knew but he only ever sent 1 gift.

Being open to compromise in these things made me appear reasonable, logical and working in the best interest of the kids which is what the courts want.

6. Show you are doing what is in the Best Interests of the Children

Years of speech therapy, psychology, play therapy, extra-curricular sports, autism and ADHD diagnosis and treatment for that were all documented and used in court.

These, combined with the evidence we were in contact with his family and I was willing to continue to facilitate that added weight to this part of our case.

In fact, as it turned out, between the first hearing in 2019 and the final trial, we had a trip to Sydney planned so we saw the family.

This was mentioned in my court papers and when we went back for the trial, it helped to solidify the fact I will continue this relationship and contact for my kids.

The fact I had driven to Sydney from Melbourne, then instead of just letting the kids play a while, allowed 2 sleepovers was huge.

It showed I put my own feelings and fears of my ex aside for my kids.

They had an amazing time with their cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents on that side.

This was not a stunt I pulled for court, we did continue to see them.

When we had our first hearing for that stage of court he didn’t turn up, and they were going to adjourn.

I offered to call his sister to get in contact with him, which shocked the judge, my barrister and the children’s lawyer.

She rang him and made him answer the call to the court at a specified time which is when the judge court ordered him to appear next time or we proceed without him to final orders.

I am incredibly grateful to his sister.

If possible, try to get along with both sides and do what is best for your kids, it is not their fault this is happening.

Get legal and psychological advice about what is best if you are unsure.

7. Get Legal Help

I don’t want to reveal the entire total of my court costs but it equals the cost of a house at the time of writing.

In 2019 alone, I paid tens of thousands within a few months and he didn’t have to pay a thing.

Be prepared to sell everything, do any job and work your butt off to pay it.

My first lawyer in Canberra gave me 30 minutes free and provided amazing advice.

$4,000 in 2015 was required to be placed in trust to engage her services and she was fantastic at keeping it all to the point so no excessive charges.

I had to keep it topped up but feel her work was worth her rates so I didn’t mind.

For some reason, when I started this process in Melbourne, I didn’t have to put money into trust.

Part of the reason was we (my lawyer, the others at her law firm and I) expected it to be a quick process with the evidence so my lawyer didn’t request it.

Instead of having my money sit there, I was able to pay the invoices as they sent them.

My barristers continued this arrangement when they were hired to help as well which helped immensely as they were extremely expensive.

This is rare and I suspect my reputation online, never missing a payment, impeccable records for court and how I dress all helped.

When my lawyer went on maternity leave and another took over he said he had never seen this arrangement but since I never missed an invoice he was happy to continue it.

Don’t expect to be so lucky. Be prepared to have to put down thousands.

You can save a little if you self-represent and the court is usually helpful if you choose to do it that way.

My case had been so long and messed up that I wasn’t willing to self-represent.

Some places offer free legal assistance if you are eligible which I used a couple of times over the years but having my own lawyer was necessary in my case.

How to Afford Court and Custody

Paying legal fees gets expensive fast but getting legal advice to ensure everything is ok is sometimes required before anything can be lodged, even in amicable cases.

In cases like mine, it can drag out and cost the same as a house.

Here are a few things you can do to afford it.

Start Saving

Open a new bank account with a bank bonus and high-interest savings account to start saving.

Use a totally separate bank so you don’t think about it or notice it as much.

Debt

I prefer to earn the money before I need it instead of going into debt but debt is an option.

Ensure you have the means to afford the debt and aim to clear it as quickly as possible.

My family was there to lend me money for a period of time which I know is extremely lucky.

If you go into debt, research all your options, check the interest rates and other conditions thoroughly and avoid payday loans, quick loans/fast cash type places as they charge the highest interest.

Increase Income

For those who work, look at how you can increase your wage such as asking for a raise, applying for promotions or upskilling to make you eligible for promotions.

Consider a change of jobs to a different company for better pay.

Side Hustles

During the years I was in court, I did everything I could to make money on the side, in the evenings and around my kids activities so I could be there for them.

Online surveys: they don’t pay great but were easy to do while sitting in waiting rooms or when I simply couldn’t focus on anything. Octopus Group are the highest paying and they also have market research for $45 t0 $120hr.

Reselling: buying things to resell was easy for me and I quickly worked out what was more profitable for me. I share my tips in the ebook How to Make Over $10,000 a Month Reselling (RRP $9.95).

Writing: I do freelance writing and own a few blogs that generate good money but also wrote books, did editing, ghost writing and anything else that was available.

On one of my other sites, The Thrifty Issue, I share loads of ways to make money.

Final Thoughts

You know what is best for your kids and what needs to be done.

If you have left an abusive relationship, it will be hard but it is worth it.

This nearly broke me, completely.

My ex-husband used things I wrote or said online against me (well, tried to) which made me shrink completely and question everything I was doing in my career.

When he played mind and control games, it messed with my head.

Hearing things from my kids, seeing the impact on them and the amount of money it cost us wore me down.

However, I held onto the hope we would be free.

It took months from when I was granted custody for the court to upload the paperwork and make it final but once they did, we were free.

In September 2019, I finally had full parental responsibility/full custody of my kids.

They’re are grateful I fought so hard for them and got them therapy as needed throughout the process.

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