17 Tips to Help Forgive Yourself
Forgiving ourselves for things we did, tolerated or believed in the past can be extremely difficult.
Many of us find it easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves.
Carrying that guilt, shame and the burden of it all throughout our lives is heavy and prevents us from achieving our full potential.
Here are 17 tips to help you practice forgiving yourself.
1. Acknowledge What Happened
The first step for any healing is to acknowledge what happened rather than trying to run from it.
Living in denial keeps guilt and shame alive. As long as we are living in that space, especially shame, it can be almost impossible to heal and forgive ourselves.
Remember, guilt and shame are different even though most people lump them together.
Guilt is about specific behaviour whereas shame is about our whole self.
So when we feel guilty, it is about what we did. When we feel shame, it is about who we are as person. This is covered more in the next tip.
How to Acknowledge What Happened
Sit in a quiet space, name the action you regret, and write or say out loud exactly what happened without excuses.
I find free writing in a journal or writing a letter to myself/people involved helpful but I burn them later so they aren’t sitting around where someone might see them or I will read them again.
2. Separate the Behavior from Your Identity
Mistakes don’t define you; they’re things you did, not who you are.
Too often when we make a mistake or have developed bad habits due to a series of poor choices, instead of viewing it as behaviour, we internalise it.
Whatever we did that was wrong or not aligned with our values becomes who we are.
You are not your mistakes, you are not a bad person and whatever you did, you can choose from today to be different.
Others might brand you as a specific type of person because of these mistakes or choices and that will hurt.
Showing repeated behaviour that is difficult to forgive yourself sets a reputation about who you are as a person but it is not set in stone.
Every day we get to choose if we continue with those behaviours and choices or if we want to rebrand/create a new us.
You don’t need to announce it to anyone, make this decision for yourself, decide that you are not someone who does that anymore and move forward.
Note: if the things you struggle to forgive yourself for relate to addictions, abuse, cheating and similar, seek professional help. Support groups, your doctor, rehab etc are all options and finding that support is crucial.
I’ve sought professional help through psychologists, nutritionists and similar as needed. Speak with others or research what others did in your situation and connect with the appropriate professionals.
How to Separate Your Behaviour from Your Identity
Say: “I made xyz mistake, but I am not xyz mistake.” The words “I am” are powerful.
Find a mantra that aligns with the person you want to be, the choices you are making now and your new identity.
For example, I struggled with weight and my identity with that, often saying I am so fat, I am overweight etc.
I shifted to: “I am someone who works out at 5 am.” And “I am a person who eats to fuel and empower my body.”
Identifying as someone who takes care of myself instSay or journal: “That was one chapter. I am writing new ones now.” Make a list of your current values or goals to focus forward.ead of someone who eats junk helped me change those habits and stop viewing myself negatively.
Write down 5 things that define your character that aren’t related to the mistake and focus on those.
Say or journal: “That was one chapter. I am writing new ones now.” Make a list of your current values or goals to focus on instead of staying stuck in the past.
With these steps, you also need to take action to back up the new identity for it to stick. If you tell yourself these things but continue with the other decisions, it won’t work.
3. Understand the Root Cause
Understanding helps you shift from judgment to insight so you can heal and move towards the life you want.
There are lots of books and resources that can help you work through your life and habits to find the root cause of why you do what you do.
The right therapist can help you with this too, guiding and providing resources but it is you who needs to put in the work as well.
How to Understand the Root Cause
Some things you can do to help you understand your root causes include:
Professional help from a psychologist. Start with your GP for a referral and to discuss all options, especially if it is addiction-related.
Journaling about what was going on in your life emotionally, mentally, or physically that may have influenced your actions.
Writing letters to your younger self.
Doing a review of your core values and a full life audit.
Some of the books that helped me are How To Do The Work, How To Meet Yourself, What Happened To You.
4. Talk to Yourself Like a Friend
We are often much harsher on ourselves than we are our friends.
Beating ourselves up with words, thinking the worst of us and if we spoke to friends the way we speak to ourselves, we wouldn’t stay friends long.
Speaking to yourself as you would a friend is an act of kindness you deserve.
Self-kindness activates the soothing part of your brain which helps you be gentler on yourself and forgive yourself for whatever has happened.
How to Talk to Yourself Like a Friend
Ask, “If my best friend did this, what would I say to them?”
Then say those exact words to yourself in the mirror or write it in a journal.
Be serious about it, feel the emotions and how you would treat whatever it is if you were comforting and helping a friend.
5. Learn from the Experience
Turning guilt into growth helps rebuild self-worth.
No one wants to sit in shame and misery so look at how you can learn from the experience.
I apply this to everything I face that is difficult, whether it’s about myself or others.
More often than not when I start to look for the lesson in whatever I’ve done or whatever is happening, I find more than one.
Once you have that and apply what you learned, you are able to grow and create an even better life.
How to Learn From the Experience
Write down 3 lessons you’ve learned and one small action you can take to apply each lesson in your life now.
This might take a little while and the lessons don’t need to be huge.
Take your time to think about it fully, research if you want similar scenarios and lessons from them then write down how you can apply those lessons to your life.
Be sure to take the action and before you know it, whatever troubled you will have improved your life instead.
6. Make Amends Where Possible
Taking responsibility promotes healing and reconnection.
When you know what you need to make amends for, do it as soon as you can.
You won’t be able to fully make amends for everything but where possible, do what you can.
Making amends can help both you and whoever else is involved but make sure you are doing from a space of healing and connection, not just to make yourself feel better.
How to Make Amends
What needs to be done depends on what has happened, who is involved, if it can be done safely and if it is appropriate.
Depending on the situation, other people involved might not want to make amends or accept anything from you and you will need to accept that.
Reach out to the person (if safe and appropriate), apologize genuinely, and ask what you can do to make things right—or do it without expectation.
7. Write a Self-Forgiveness Letter
Writing releases bottled-up emotions and brings clarity.
Doing a letter to forgive ourselves can be a powerful way to release emotions and give ourselves the love we need.
Forgiveness requires permission to be imperfect. In your letter, give yourself the love and compassion you would anyone as none of us are perfect.
How to Write a Self-Forgiveness Letter
Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of someone who loves you unconditionally.
Acknowledge what happened and offer forgiveness.
Do it in a way you feel is right to you, not one based on a template from elsewhere.
If you can, write down one unrealistic standard you hold yourself to and rewrite it into something more compassionate and human. Or do this as a separate journal exercise.
8. Practice Self-Compassion Meditation
When we practice self-compassion meditation, it reduces shame and strengthens emotional regulation.
There are guided meditations you can use which help step you through it.
Forgiving yourself can be difficult so trying to meditate or practice self-compassion in general can feel uncomfortable at first.
If you can persist, the meditations will help you heal.
How to Practice Self-Compassion Meditation
Use a guided self-compassion meditation (on apps like Insight Timer or YouTube) or repeat: “May I be kind to myself. May I forgive myself. May I learn and grow.”
Aim for 5 to 10 minutes but start with 1 minute if that is all you feel you can do.
Something is better than nothing but you will have more benefits from 10 minutes than you will from 1 minute.
9. Limit Rumination
Replaying mistakes keeps you stuck.
When we face any trauma or negative event or even big life decisions, it can be so easy to focus on that, ruminate constantly and let it take over our lives.
As we are driving around our mind drifts to it, when trying to fall asleep we might not be able to switch off because we are thinking about this event etc.
Humans by nature dwell on the negative, it’s a survival instinct, our brains way of protecting us from any risk.
But it can cause so much damage.
Learning to shift from rumination to a better thought pattern takes practice but is worth it.
How to Stop Ruminating
When your mind spirals, use the “name and redirect” method: Label the thought (“This is rumination”) and shift your attention to something sensory like movement or breath.
When I realise I am ruminating, I ask myself:
Are these thoughts bringing me closer to the life I want or detracting from it?
How can I shift my focus to be on the life I want instead?
10. Set Boundaries with Shame Triggers
Whatever it is you are not forgiving yourself for, there are triggers around you reinforcing that
Find ways to set boundaries around those places and things that make you feel shame.
Reducing exposure to shame helps healing.
At times, when we are struggling with self-loathing over our mistakes, we use these triggers to punish ourselves.
We might visit those places or look at those social media accounts to reinforce why we feel bad about ourselves.
Yet this keeps us stuck and can lead to worse behaviour.
Learn to step away, set boundaries and reduce triggers so you can improve your life and forgive yourself.
How to Set Boundaries with Shame Triggers
Identify people, media, or places that reinforce your guilt.
Take a break, unfollow, or limit your interaction to protect your energy.
Read how to set and stick to boundaries for ideas on this.
11. Use Affirmations Wisely
Positive self-talk can reshape your subconscious beliefs.
The key here is we need to believe the affirmations and they need to be true.
Often when we are still punishing ourselves or sitting in shame, the “feel good” affirmations aren’t effective.
Find affirmations that resonate with you, that you can say with confidence and use them wisely.
How to Use Affirmations
Choose believable statements like “I am learning to forgive myself” or “I am doing the best I can.” Repeat them daily or write them on sticky notes.
I loved “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” By Carl Jung.
I had affirmations written on my mirrors, made into screensavers and even stamped on jewellery.
12. Reconnect with Your Values
Living in alignment with values restores inner peace.
Often when we have gone down a path in life we regret, we are living in a manner separate to our values.
Once you identify where you are off track, solidify your values and make changes accordingly, you will feel so much better.
How to Reconnect with Your Values
Identify your top 3 values (e.g., honesty, compassion, growth). Then choose one action per week that expresses each value.
Read how to work out your core values for my full process and some suggestions.
13. Visualise Letting Go
Visualisation techniques help because a symbolic release creates real emotional shifts.
Whether it is about letting go of the past, forgiving yourself, picturing your future or anything along these lines, visualisation can help.
Olympians use these techniques to help them train and win.
Public speakers often use visualisation when practicing then speaking on stage.
Anyone having success in their life has picture those moments because it works.
How to Visualise Letting Go
Close your eyes and imagine placing your guilt in a balloon and releasing it into the sky.
Another option is placing your guilt on a leaf or raft and floating it down a river.
Take it further and try to feel the emotional release, imagine yourself forgiven and feeling how that feels.
14. Learn to Sit with Discomfort
Healing requires feeling.
When we push our feelings down or hide them by being busy, using substances etc then we don’t heal.
All those coping mechanisms make things much worse and until we feel those feelings, we cannot move forward.
How to Sit with Discomfort
Set a timer for 5–10 minutes.
Sit quietly and notice where guilt lives in your body.
Breathe into that space with curiosity, not judgment.
Cry if you feel the need to cry, let whatever emotions come up be felt.
Afterwards, you could journal about it or write a letter to release it further.
15. Seek Therapy or Support
Professionals can help you process whatever it is you are struggling with, reframe things and move forward.
Processing with others reduces shame.
Trying to heal completely on our own is next to impossible.
Therapists can help guide you through exercises to forgive yourself and heal whatever needs to be healed.
Support groups are another option many find useful especially if you are dealing with an addiction or traumatic event.
There are online and in-person options available for almost any scenario you can think of.
How to Seek Support
Book a session with a therapist, counselor, or join a support group where you can explore forgiveness in a safe, guided way.
Research the options in your area, speak with your GP, check out online groups but read reviews first to ensure the support you are seeking will be useful.
16. Track and Reflect on Your Progress
Progress builds momentum and motivation.
Keep a journal or track your progress on an app so you can reflect on your progress.
When we are in the thick of things we don’t always see how far we have come or the changes we have made.
We tend to focus on the negative or how far we have to go.
With tracking, you can easily see your progress and have something to feel proud of.
How to Track and Review Progress
Keep a journal or list where you track small steps forward: times you acted in alignment with your values or showed yourself grace.
Print a habit tracker to stick up on your wall or find apps relevant to what it is you want to track.
Visuals as well as writing down the progress keep you focused.
17. Commit to Growth, Not Perfection
The aim is improving, getting better every day, not being perfect every day.
No one can magically overhaul their life, heal every wound, fix every mistake or change it all in one day.
It takes time and commitment, it’s a work in progress and something you will be doing your whole life as there will always be things to heal, fix or change.
How to Commit to Growth
Choose one area of your life where you can improve slowly (e.g., communication, boundaries).
I have tips to improve every area of life 1% at a time here to help you get started.
Focus on the process, not flawless results.
Read or listen to stories of others who’ve made mistakes and grown, what can you learn from them?
Reseources
Here are the links to all the articles, books and more mentioned above:
How to work out your core values and stick to them
How to do a life audit
How To Do The Work (book)
How To Meet Yourself (book)
What Happened To You (book)
Tips to improve 1% at a time