6 Steps to Define What Success Means to You Plus Journal Prompts
Growing up I’d see success in terms of wealth and fame e.g. supermodels, celebrities etc.
However, I belonged to a strict religion that taught:
“No other success can compensate for failure in the home.” ~ J.E McCulloch
Note: members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints attribute this quote to David O’Mckay however, he only popularised it. J.E McCulloch is the rightful person to credit.
This quote dominated my life in an unhealthy way.
The definition of success in the home was pushed as you need to stay married no matter what, that divorce is the worst thing you could do to your kids.
Having that narrative pushed on me kept me in an abusive marriage for way too long and tolerating more than I should have in other relationships (friends, family and romantic).
My Failures Vs Success
Last month I turned 40 and my teenagers were reflecting on my life with me, including our successes and this quote.
Both of my teens could not believe the pressure I had through the religion growing up or how my life has turned out.
The fact I viewed aspects of my life as failures for so long and struggled with that during their childhood blew their minds.
Here are some examples:
Dropping Out of School = FAILED
My first big failure was dropping out of school at the start of year 11.
My mother had died the year before, I was sexually assaulted on the street by strangers a few months later, Dad remarried within the year and I mentally was not ok.
I won’t go into full details but I was almost not here at that point, was diagnosed with ADHD but that was ignored as my parents didn’t believe in it.
This was 2001 so it was common people did not believe ADHD was a real issue!
My older siblings were going to university and I was a complete embarrassment because I couldn’t get my life together, at 16 with mental health issues…
Divorce = FAILED
The pressure to stay in an abusive marriage was intense. To view it as ‘mistakes’ not patterns of behaviour and criminal offences severely damaging my kids and I.
Growing up in that religion, I was made to believe being a single mother was one of the most horrible things that could happen.
Single mothers were poor, everyone felt sorry for them because they didn’t have a husband, they were viewed as less than others and needed so much help etc.
I am horrified at the way the people within the church talked about single mothers.
Also the treatment from others when I was a single mother until they discovered my work.
And the general idea in Australia that all single mothers are bludging off Centrelink or welfare.
Making the decision to divorce was one of the hardest ones I had ever made because of what I was being taught in the religion.
Once I shared some of the abuse, people were mortified I stayed so long, except for those who grew up with him.
Yet when all the documents and evidence were subpoenaed, it took lawyers a full day to go over it all and everything matched exactly what I had stated in my evidence.
Court granted me full custody because of this and a second protection order for 5 years.
I still felt like a failure for divorcing but am grateful I made that decision for my kids and I.
Homeless to Award Winning CEO = Success
As a single mother, I went from homeless because of this abuse to multiple international award-winning CEO, author, speaker and charity ambassador.
Most of my work was done around my kids, we got to do some amazing travel and other experiences together and they were so proud of what I was doing.
$30,000,000 was raised for my chosen charities through events and other things I was involved in.
I won 3 Plutus awards in the USA, was a finalist for Young Australian of the Year and other business and philanthropic awards in Australia.
Yet, because I was divorced, I still felt like it wasn’t enough.
I see it as a success now but back then, in the middle of it, despite everything I was doing, it did not feel like success.
Check out tips for overcoming imposter syndrome. It’s something I struggled with.
I sold the company, focused on travel and once I secured custody of my kids, we travelled full time.
International Champions = Success
My kids are now 17 and 16 plus I have an 11 year old stepdaughter, a 4 year old who will be chief of the tribe in Vanuatu, a 3 year old and I am 6 months pregnant.
During the divorce and raising my older two mostly on my own, then having 2 failed relationships, I was often told how much I am messing up my kids.
Yet every adult actually involved in their lives such as teachers, bosses, coaches, friends parents etc are amazed at their emotional intelligence, abilities and achievements.
I made sure they got speech therapy, psychology, diagnosis’ (autism and ADHD) and supported their interests.
My 17 year old won international robotics competitions, placed in others and went to the world championships. With this their team also got numerous awards, including one with sponsorship from NASA.
They have regularly placed top of their grade for various subjects, won the science award for their year last year and they are about to go to Spain as 1 of 20 students chosen in the Real Madrid program.
We are moving to Perth soon and the school is accommodating them being able to complete their HSC over there.
The teachers made it explicitly clear that this is not something they’d trust most students to do but they all fully trust my child and know it will all be done properly.
At 15, my daughter won her category in the South East Asia and Oceania Championship in Thailand. One of six Australian athletes to win gold, after only 18 months of training.
She won sportsperson of the year at her school, secured an apprenticeship early this year and Commonwealth Games NSW awarded her a grant to help her with her wrestling.
When we move to Perth, she will start training with the head coach in WA and is aiming for the Olympics.
My Biggest Success
In my view, the biggest success I have is that my kids and I live life our way.
We are accepting of each other, home is our safe haven, my teens open up to me about anything and willingly play regularly with their younger siblings.
Numerous people have had kids or said they would if they could guarantee their kids would be like mine.
My kids know I love them no matter what and will support them in anything they want to try.
Having this confidence and support definitely helped them achieve all they have.
Helping all of us heal, getting professional help as needed, setting and achieving goals, being a strong example, all of those things are part of my definition of success.
Plus being able to earn money around my kids to support our life, along with being able to support our tribe in Vanuatu with education, medical etc.
These are all more important to me than the white picket fence, stay at home mum/traditional gender roles lifestyle pushed on me when I was younger.
How to Work Out Your Definition of Success
Defining what success means to you is a deeply personal process, and it involves aligning your goals with your values, desires, and lifestyle.
Here are some steps to do that.
1. Reflect on Your Values
Your core values guide your decisions in life and if how you are living is not aligned with your goals, you will struggle.
When you know what it is that drives you, what lines you will not cross and what is important to you, it’s easy to set goals and achieve them.
My core values are family because they are my everything, integrity because without it, you are nothing, health because no health = no wealth, and love.
My motto is to approach everything with love.
I’ve written about how to work out your values and set boundaries around them.
Questions to Ask yourself
- What matters most to me in life? (e.g. freedom, family, impact, creativity, legacy, health)
- What do I want to stand for?
- What do I want to be remembered for?
2. Identify What Fulfillment Looks Like
Some people are fulfilled by their careers, others by hobbies, charity work or raising their family.
It’s ok to feel fulfilled by these things at times and at other times feel like it’s draining you.
E.g. parenting is hard, but for me, so rewarding. That doesn’t mean it’s perfect all the time, though!
What you feel fulfilled by can be quite different to your friends, colleagues or even family and it might not be what you were raised to think would be fulfilling to you.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Take some time on this one to journal and write a list of things that feel fulfilling. Ask yourself:
- When do I feel most alive or proud?
- What activities or achievements give me a sense of meaning?
- What activities or achievements do I admire in others and are interested in pursuing?
- What activities or achievements did I enjoy/value as a child, teen and young adult?
3. Reimagine Success Beyond Social Norms
Often our definition of success has come through social media, what we see on TV, peers, family etc rather than our own true definition.
Chasing someone else’s definition of success is sure to leave you feeling unfulfilled and can leave you feeling unsuccessful.
Questions to Ask Yourself
- Am I chasing someone else’s version of success (like wealth, status, or a certain job title)?
- What would success look like if no one else’s opinion mattered?
4. Visualise Your Ideal Life
When you think about your ideal life, one that isn’t influenced by others, what does it look like?
Many of us go about our lives, working at our jobs, doing what has to be done, living for the weekend and not truly thinking about our ideal life or how we might obtain it.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Think about your ideal life with these questions in mind:
- Where do I live?
- What am I doing daily? Include hobbies, work, a routine etc.
- Who am I surrounded by?
- How do I feel—physically, emotionally, mentally?
5. Set Personal Metrics
Your life is yours so choose personal metrics that matter to you.
Life isn’t only about your career or fame or anything you see on social media.
As you work out what success means to you, think about what that means in terms of goals and metrics too.
Questions to Ask Yourself
- How much time do I have for what I love?
- How well do I care for my body and mind?
- How aligned am I with my purpose?
6. Accept That It Evolves
Your definition of success can (and likely will) shift through different life stages.
What success means to you will change over time.
As you experience different things in life, learn new skills, try various hobbies, travel and achieve goals, your definition of success is likely to evolve.
Journal Prompts
Working out your definition of success takes time, especially if you have to undo the influence of family, traditions, social media etc.
Here’s a set of journal prompts designed to help you define what success means to you—personally, authentically, and intentionally.
Clarity & Values
- What do I value most in life, and why?
- When have I felt most proud of myself? What about that moment was meaningful?
- If no one else could see or judge my life, what would I choose to pursue?
- Who do I admire, and what about their life or choices do I find successful?
Fulfillment & Joy
- What activities make me lose track of time or feel most energized?
- When do I feel deeply fulfilled, even without external rewards or recognition?
- What kind of legacy or impact do I want to leave behind?
Redefining Success
- How has my idea of success changed over the years?
- What messages about success did I inherit that no longer serve me?
- What does “enough” look like for me in terms of money, time, achievement, and connection?
Visioning
- If I could design a day in my ideal successful life, what would it look and feel like?
- In five years, what would a successful life look like emotionally, financially, and spiritually?
- What’s one small shift I could make this week that aligns me more with my version of success?