How and Why to Forgive Without Losing Yourself
Personally I hate the “forgive and forget” attitude that was pushed in the strict religion I grew up in.
I also think being forced to forgive or being made to feel that you have to is destructive.
If you want to forgive or want to learn how to or even get a bit closer to it, the tips I share are for you.
Remember, you can forgive without forgetting or condoning what has happened. And it’s ok if you never want to forgive.
I will not push toxic positivity or the need to forgive everyone.
It is your choice and that is what I support.
The Definition of Forgiveness
What does forgiveness actually mean? Too often I have seen it expressed as if you forget everything they did and it’s all ok. That’s not exactly true.
Forgiveness, according to the Merriam Webster Dictionary is the act of forgiving:
- to cease to feel resentment against (an offender): e.g. forgive one’s enemies
- to give up resentment of or claim to requital for: e.g. forgive an insult
- to grant relief from payment of: e.g. forgive a debt
Ceasing to feel resentment does not mean you condone what happened or need to be best buddies.
So based on the above definition of forgiving, here are my tips.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Before you can forgive, you need to be honest about the hurt or anger you’re experiencing.
Recognising your emotions allows you to process them rather than suppress them.
When we are pushed to forgive and forget, it often feels as though our feelings are being dismissed and we just have to get over it.
That is not healthy and will build resentment.
Forgiveness can feel great and often feels as though a burden has been lifted within you but you need to process your feelings first.
Journal how you feel, use prompts if needed, seek out therapy, do what you need to acknowledge and process your feelings first.
2. Shift Your Perspective
Try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view.
This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it can foster empathy and soften resentment.
Some things are so awful there isn’t the other person’s point of view, as is the case with sexual crimes for example.
In which case, it often isn’t about viewing it from their perspective but seeing how you can reframe your experience and thoughts with therapy.
Either way, it is a shift in perspective.
Most things that you might be looking to forgive are not as severe as that so you can attempt to view from the other persons perspective.
Do not allow anything you see or think or know e.g. their childhood trauma allow you to be manipulated into forgiving and staying in dangerous situations though.
You can see things from their perspective, practice empathy and still keep them at a distance.
3. Set Clear Boundaries
Forgiveness doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behaviour.
Sometimes forgiving someone includes setting healthy boundaries to protect yourself moving forward.
This is especially true in the case of repeat offences, betrayal, assault etc.
Do what you need to do to protect yourself and anyone else you feel you need to e.g. kids.
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person or their choices because that is impossible.
The only person we can control is ourselves, as such, boundaries are about doing what is necessary for ourselves.
I covered a selection of boundaries, how to set and keep them to help you know what to do.
Growing up in a strict religion, being pushed to forgive no matter what made it difficult to know how to set boundaries and enforce them.
It was something I had to learn and took years to get used to as it felt wrong.
Be gentle with yourself, remember these boundaries are there to protect you and help you create your ideal life.
They aren’t to punish anyone else and having boundaries doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven.
Boundaries are smart and essential.
4. Focus on the Present
Holding onto past hurts keeps you stuck.
Gently remind yourself that the pain belongs to the past and that you have the power to choose peace now.
Try to stay in the present instead of ruminating on the past.
When I find myself stuck in a loop, I try to ask these questions:
Are these thoughts bringing me closer to the life I want or detracting from it?
Do I want the life I am dwelling on or can I shift my focus to what I truly want?
Sometimes that is enough to snap me out of the negative spiral I was in.
Learn mindfulness practices to help you stay in the present as well.
The more present I can be, the more I can focus on moving forward to the life I want instead of being stuck in the past.
5. Practice Self-Forgiveness
Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself.
I know I spent years beating myself up for decisions I made, situations I stayed in too long, things I tolerated etc.
The self-loathing was real, harmful and too easy to slip into.
Recognize that you are human, prone to mistakes, and deserving of compassion, just like anyone else.
Think about the advice and support you’d offer a friend in a similar situation then give that to yourself.
6. Use Affirmations or Mantras
In moments of anger or pain, use affirmations like “I release this burden” or “Forgiveness frees me.”
Repetition helps rewire your emotional response over time.
Affirmations and mantras helped me get through some of the hardest experiences of my life.
One of my favourites is “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” By Carl Jung.
When I left an abusive marriage, got robbed of everything including my underwear and faced some other obstacles all within a few months, that quote carried me.
I’d repeat it, especially when I was sobbing over my situation because I NEEDED it to be true.
Focusing on that and moving forward saw me go from homeless single mum to multiple international award-winning CEO.
7. Write a Letter You Don’t Send
Writing down your feelings can be incredibly healing.
Pour your heart out in a letter to the person who hurt you—even if you never intend to send it.
Doing this has been extremely healing for me and helped me reframe many situations.
One example is a deep betrayal that haunted me everywhere I went as it happened close to where I live.
Every time I got in the car, my mind would ruminate on it as there were so many triggers.
One night, I finally wrote a letter to each of the people involved in this betrayal.
The letter started with all the hurt, what they did, the impact on me and my kids then shifted to answering the 3 questions I use to turn obstacles into opportunities.
By writing this letter, I released a lot of my emotions but I was also able to see the benefits from the situation.
From that point, whenever I felt the negative thoughts creep in, I could remember how I had reframed things at the end of that letter and the feeling of relief from that.
I burn my letters after writing them.
8. Choose Compassion Over Justice
Instead of focusing on what the person “deserves,” choose to extend compassion.
This does not necessarily apply to crimes but more to the smaller hurts and things that don’t need to be dealt with legally.
By all means, if you have the energy and can, you should hold people responsible for their crimes.
I am all too aware that it doesn’t always work that way and many crimes go unpunished.
Remember: forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not necessarily something the other person earns.
Instead of focusing on revenge or retribution, choosing to move on with your life, set clear boundaries and create something amazing is much more powerful.
In fact, the best revenge is living an amazing life despite whatever has been done to you.
9. Seek Support When Needed
Forgiveness can be a complex, layered process.
Therapy, support groups, or trusted friends can provide the encouragement and tools you need to move forward.
My kids and I have sought therapy as needed over the years and not only did it help us process whatever we were facing, we learnt skills we can apply to other situations.
Support groups can be fantastic resources too, both online and in person when you find the right ones.
Friends and family are wonderful if they can be trusted and have your best interests in mind.
Find the right support for you to process what you need to, learn the skills to forgive and heal and create a better life.
Resources In This Article
Definition of forgive in the Merriam Webster Dictionary
How to set and hold boundaries
15 mindfulness tips for beginners
3 questions to ask yourself to turn any obstacle into an opportunity